"Is This Polyamory?"

We often get asked, "Here's my situation. (they describe their complicated romantic situation). Is this poly?"

It's not always an easy question to answer, because there are about a million different ways to be and to define polyamory and open relationships. However, there are a few basics that most polyamorous and open relationships have in common.

Polyamory is the belief in or practice of having more than one romantic relationship at a time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

You can be polyamorous and not have any partners, or just have one partner, because it is more than a state of partnership: it is a belief in the possibility of loving more than one person at a time, ethically and honestly.

Bottom line: If someone doesn’t know about a partner, or isn’t okay with a partner, it’s not polyamory: it’s cheating.

So what is the difference between polyamory and open relationships? To some degree, that will depend on whom you ask. In general, however, purely open relationships are not as focused on the “-amory” or love part of the relationships, and may focus more on having sex with other people. Many swingers consider themselves to have an open relationship. Some people, couples, and groups are both polyamorous and open, meaning they have some relationships that are loving and intimate, and others that are mainly sexual, without emotional involvement. It is up to each person to negotiate agreements with their partner(s) about what kind of relationship they are comfortable with and what will be considered acceptable behavior inside their relationship.

Some of the most common configurations of polyamory and open relationships are:

Polyfidelity: similar to monogamy but with more people. A group of three or more people is emotionally and physically committed to each other and those involved are not allowed to have relationships outside the group.

Primary couple: a couple that is open to having other relationships, either sexual or emotional or both, and these relationships are designated “secondary” or “tertiary” depending on the degree of involvement in the primary couple’s life (the terminology does not mean secondaries and tertiaries are unimportant to their partners). The couple usually does not live with their other partners. They often agree on rules to protect the primary relationship, such as certain days of the week that they are free to see their other partners, or certain activities or places that are reserved just for the primary couple.

Open/poly couple: a couple that is open to having other relationships, either sexual or emotional or both, and these other relationships could have equal, greater, or lesser importance than the original couple. The status of these relationships could change over time, and there are usually fewer rules.

Open/poly singles: people without a spouse or primary partner, who choose to enter into relationships with people on a non-exclusive, honesty-based basis.

Open/poly group: a group of people, some of which may be romantically involved and others not, who live together or close together and choose to be open to other relationships as they surface. There are usually some rules in place regarding how new people are integrated into the group, safe sex rules, and household agreements to ensure smooth functioning of the home.

Having written all that, I'm sure there are some poly and open people out there that would dispute these definitions and who would have their own ideas about what it is and what it isn't. But I think we can all agree on a foundation of true honesty, and:

You and your partners get to design the relationship exactly how you want it.

For some, this represents an exciting and rewarding challenge. For others, it sounds like the last thing in the world they would want to do. And that's just fine - polyamory and open relationships aren't for everyone, just as monogamy isn't for everyone. However, we maintain that true honesty, one of the most difficult behaviors to really achieve in a relationship, IS for everyone.

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