Before You Suggest an Open Relationship to your Partner...

One of the most common questions we get asked is, “How to I introduce the idea of an open relationship to my partner?” It can be a bit nerve-wracking, especially if you’ve never discussed the subject before and you have no idea how your partner will take it.

If you and your partner have already discussed opening your relationship and you want to get started, go to How to Open Your Relationship Together. If you are wondering how to introduce the idea of open relationships to your partner, keep reading.

The first and most important thing we counsel people to do is introduce the idea before you’ve already found someone else you want to be with. The idea of an open relationship can be very frightening, and if you add to that the knowledge that there’s already a person waiting in the wings to move into your life, the chances you will get a good response are very low.

If you’re reading this page, you’ve obviously thought about open relationships and how you’d like to have one. You may be way ahead of your partner in these ideas. If you had to spend any time thinking about whether you wanted to open your relationship, and what it might mean for you individually and as a couple, remember that your partner needs that time too.

The idea of opening your relationship to others may well be terrifying because of the fear of losing you to someone else. If there is no one else in your life at the moment, you can take time to discuss the idea of opening up your relationship and what it means to both of you. You can discuss boundaries and explore your hopes and fears before actually dealing with a third human being, who brings their own hopes and fears to the table.

If there is already a third person you are trying to add to your life, your partner may well view this as the end of your relationship. In your partner’s mind, this new person is competition and there’s already a duel on. Without any mental scaffolding or context for open relationships, your partner still has a monogamous mindset, which says that we stay with one partner until we break up or we find someone better. Those are really the only options. In their mind, you’ve already found someone better and you just want to torture your partner for a while until you decide if you want to leave completely for this new person.

Another reason to talk about opening up before you have found a new partner is that you need to build the structure for an open relationship into your existing relationship. That must be done together, with just the two of you, before you invite someone else into your lives. That’s right, your lives – new people won’t just be in your life, but will be (at least to some degree) in your partner’s life as well, even if they don’t become friends. It’s critical to respect that your partner needs to have some choice about this person’s involvement, even if it’s just to say it’s ok for you to have sex with other people. If you want more than just sex, you will have to create an appropriate place for new people with you two, because the third person won’t just be out there somewhere on the sidelines. That person will be involved with you, which means they will be involved with both of you.

So, as you can see, it’s far better to just deal with the idea of opening your relationship between the two of you, before considering the complications, personal interests and desires that a third person will inevitably bring to your relationship.

If all that doesn’t convince you, I chose to do things completely the wrong way. Although my husband and I had opened up our marriage partially, we had not agreed to have sexual relationships with others. However I met someone, fell in love (both of which were ok with my husband) and slept with him without telling my husband until after the fact (very much not ok with my husband). It was even worse than cheating, because we had discussed it all and he thought I trusted him enough to be honest with him, and apparently I didn’t trust him enough.

My husband left me and went to England to be with his family, and I faced the very real threat of divorce and starting over all alone. The man I was with was shaken by all the drama and left me too. It was truly a terrible time. Eventually my husband did come back, but it took years to rebuild the trust we had before. I really, really don’t recommend that path.

Let’s move on to what you actually say to your partner and how you go about the first steps in opening up your relationship.

Go to Intiating the Discussion